happy birthday to yoon doojoon!
haha, im finally catching the dates of beast members' birthdays. cant believe i missed dongwoon's by a day. haha, cant believe that im actually posting this kind of rubbish on my blog anyway!
yeap, so happy birthday leedeoh! (: lead beast well! haha, 생일 축하해요!
AND, hope dear zaiyuan will get well soon! it isnt nice to know that your good friend is lying on a hospital bed now, waiting for treatment while im totally slacking at home. roarr, what a bad friend i am. sigh. hope his family and jac will keep his mind off whatever's making him sick! hwaiting, chingu ya! ;D
21.6.11
back at where i was
for all the times when i am in jc, nothing seemed right.
it seemed like a mess, like a huge blob of brown paint amidst the colours of red blue and gold.
i tried to find a solution; and i tried to rub it off my chest
but it would only worsen.
what is wrong?
i would ask.
the answer was
me.
I
felt that
the people there were weird i had to become another person i had to fit in everything is about politics i had to be popular i must show off i was smart enough to score i can easily juggle things i can live another life
i can be another me.
but
that was just me.
there was just me.
only me.
keep looking back and looking at others. why am i like this how could they be like that i want to be all of that wait how did i use to do all that?
i can do that, i just have to do what i used to.
so, i
just
have to throw away the new me reacquaint with the old me and do all the things that i used to do.
some
where
along the way, i realised.
wait - this is all wrong.
that isnt right.
what is wrong with you?
i would ask.
the answer was,
still,
me.
irony of it
all,
is that i would have to be
me.
yea! just me
after a long day, i found
myself
whizzing past the familiar backdrops, in the familiar brown parched land of Unrest
trying to make sense of it all
dayyum, where had i been all this while?
at the pit-stop
i let the soil run through my fingers, and looked up.
i am
back at where i was.
it seemed like a mess, like a huge blob of brown paint amidst the colours of red blue and gold.
i tried to find a solution; and i tried to rub it off my chest
but it would only worsen.
what is wrong?
i would ask.
the answer was
me.
I
felt that
the people there were weird i had to become another person i had to fit in everything is about politics i had to be popular i must show off i was smart enough to score i can easily juggle things i can live another life
i can be another me.
but
that was just me.
there was just me.
only me.
keep looking back and looking at others. why am i like this how could they be like that i want to be all of that wait how did i use to do all that?
i can do that, i just have to do what i used to.
so, i
just
have to throw away the new me reacquaint with the old me and do all the things that i used to do.
some
where
along the way, i realised.
wait - this is all wrong.
that isnt right.
what is wrong with you?
i would ask.
the answer was,
still,
me.
irony of it
all,
is that i would have to be
me.
yea! just me
after a long day, i found
myself
whizzing past the familiar backdrops, in the familiar brown parched land of Unrest
trying to make sense of it all
dayyum, where had i been all this while?
at the pit-stop
i let the soil run through my fingers, and looked up.
i am
back at where i was.
16.3.11
homecoming - the eighteenth year.
hmm.. how should i put it.
i think i am slowly coming to terms with myself - the darker, inner side of me.
perhaps i have been trying too hard to surpress it for the past few years.
that's why i feel more in control of my life now.
or perhaps it's due to the coming of age,
where the coming of mind lags behind.
maybe it's because i can justify my actions and thoughts along a logical flowchart,
i think something good is happening to me.
this has been in me for very long.
i know it.
it existed from the time when i dont know why i'm the only one acting this way, while the others do so differently.
being a total conformist, parental upbringing caused me to believe in everything they say.
i started to think that my way of thinking is bad, and i should reform my brain to be intune with that of those around me.
it led me to believe that i am incapable of thinking the "right" way, because i was corrected time and again by others.
truth to be told, the character in me at that time certainly needs to be corrected.
yet, i just took in what others said, wholesale.
without analysing my own problem, i guess this made me extremely naive to the world.
admittedly, i carved this image out myself.
having an identity crisis since young, i used to question:
"who am i?"
i started to look for answers amongst the people that i encounter.
bit by bit, i analyse what the most widely accepted characteristics are, and emulate them.
this happened during my formative years.
gradually, i became those people - a collection of different people;
never truly being myself.
if you had noticed that i am dumbfounded at certain social situations that are normal to others,
and you wonder if i have not socialised before,
you might be right.
if nobody taught me to react in a certain way, i wont know how to react.
up till today, i rehearse such situations in my head, perfecting my reactions
in accordance to what is most socially acceptable.
never portraying how i really want to react.
that's because i dont know how i should be reacting.
i dont know what emotions i should be feeling.
inside, it's blank.
the reason why i am perceived as extroverted among those that i am closer to,
and introverted among those that i barely know,
is this:
i am accustomed to the way this certain group of people react for years.
what i do is a reflection of the social behaviour in that clique.
when the environment around me changes, i am unfamiliar with how everyone in that new place behaves.
i am shellshocked at the difference in culture.
culture shock?
nah, culture electric shock.
and so, i feel extremely uncomfortable because i behave differently.
feel out of place.
feel lonely.
feel scared.
that, is until i overcome the transition time period, where i start observing and imitating how this new group of people react.
it ranges from language used, the broadness of mind, the way of dressing, or, the way i present myself, to the way i look at and treat myself.
if people around me are uncouth and lazy, i follow suit.
if they are refined and driven, i follow suit too.
the problem is, with the coming of age,
i begin to realise this inherent problem with myself.
bipolar syndrome?
multiple personality disorder?
im not too sure either.
as i expose myself to more things related to psychology, the more things relate to me,
the more i think i understand about myself.
that's where the action starts.
the fact that i have been living in this ultra-conformist self for the past 17 years,
i am totally accustomed to this way of life.
the way of life being the good girl, striving to make friends and succeed in her endeavours.
now that i am more aware of my situation,
i try to make my own decisions.
of course, these are personality crossroads, not practical crossroads like making the decision of which school to go to, or what to eat from the menu.
there is this certain saturation in which i cannot explain.
one that makes me very critical of everything around me.
very
critical.
of everything.
every single thing.
pehaps this is the inner bad girl.
the form of me in the yesteryear.
the one i tried so very hard to curb for all the previous years.
realising that this has always been existing in me,
i tend to liberate myself from the onus i placed upon myself for the past seventeen years.
i tend to think that i am now eighteen, at the age where i cannot be like before, where i must mature.
the maturation of the mind.
perhaps i have been trying too hard.
perhaps i should come to terms with myself that the personality i had lived with since young shall be my permanent self.
perhaps i should understand that while the bad girl has always been a part of me,
good will always triumph evil.
perhaps i should stop being so mercenary.
so cold.
so ruthless.
so devoid of humanity.
sound melodramatic, huh?
maybe you're right after all!
you would have noticed the constant throwing of arguments back and forth -
another trait of me to be indecisive.
the inner turmoil as been constant.
sometimes, i dont even think i had a childhood.
i had been so shrewd right from the start, doing all the right things that will garner praises.
then, i started becoming the person that will be well-liked by most.
finally, i decided to have none of the above.
it's time for change.
now, this unfamiliar being stands in front of me,
staring sharply into my eye.
my body.
my mind.
ironically, this is yet another familiar stock-take of myself from a third person's point of view.
another take on "who am i?", i guess.
i hope this will soon fade away, and i will stop punishing myself.
but, you know what?
i think i know what i've been looking for.
yes, this is how i should put it.
the gap which cannot be filled with anything i try with, can only be satisfied by none other than Him.
wait, - i need to internalise that.
ah yes,
this year,
i will come home.
i will.
i think i am slowly coming to terms with myself - the darker, inner side of me.
perhaps i have been trying too hard to surpress it for the past few years.
that's why i feel more in control of my life now.
or perhaps it's due to the coming of age,
where the coming of mind lags behind.
maybe it's because i can justify my actions and thoughts along a logical flowchart,
i think something good is happening to me.
this has been in me for very long.
i know it.
it existed from the time when i dont know why i'm the only one acting this way, while the others do so differently.
being a total conformist, parental upbringing caused me to believe in everything they say.
i started to think that my way of thinking is bad, and i should reform my brain to be intune with that of those around me.
it led me to believe that i am incapable of thinking the "right" way, because i was corrected time and again by others.
truth to be told, the character in me at that time certainly needs to be corrected.
yet, i just took in what others said, wholesale.
without analysing my own problem, i guess this made me extremely naive to the world.
admittedly, i carved this image out myself.
having an identity crisis since young, i used to question:
"who am i?"
i started to look for answers amongst the people that i encounter.
bit by bit, i analyse what the most widely accepted characteristics are, and emulate them.
this happened during my formative years.
gradually, i became those people - a collection of different people;
never truly being myself.
if you had noticed that i am dumbfounded at certain social situations that are normal to others,
and you wonder if i have not socialised before,
you might be right.
if nobody taught me to react in a certain way, i wont know how to react.
up till today, i rehearse such situations in my head, perfecting my reactions
in accordance to what is most socially acceptable.
never portraying how i really want to react.
that's because i dont know how i should be reacting.
i dont know what emotions i should be feeling.
inside, it's blank.
the reason why i am perceived as extroverted among those that i am closer to,
and introverted among those that i barely know,
is this:
i am accustomed to the way this certain group of people react for years.
what i do is a reflection of the social behaviour in that clique.
when the environment around me changes, i am unfamiliar with how everyone in that new place behaves.
i am shellshocked at the difference in culture.
culture shock?
nah, culture electric shock.
and so, i feel extremely uncomfortable because i behave differently.
feel out of place.
feel lonely.
feel scared.
that, is until i overcome the transition time period, where i start observing and imitating how this new group of people react.
it ranges from language used, the broadness of mind, the way of dressing, or, the way i present myself, to the way i look at and treat myself.
if people around me are uncouth and lazy, i follow suit.
if they are refined and driven, i follow suit too.
the problem is, with the coming of age,
i begin to realise this inherent problem with myself.
bipolar syndrome?
multiple personality disorder?
im not too sure either.
as i expose myself to more things related to psychology, the more things relate to me,
the more i think i understand about myself.
that's where the action starts.
the fact that i have been living in this ultra-conformist self for the past 17 years,
i am totally accustomed to this way of life.
the way of life being the good girl, striving to make friends and succeed in her endeavours.
now that i am more aware of my situation,
i try to make my own decisions.
of course, these are personality crossroads, not practical crossroads like making the decision of which school to go to, or what to eat from the menu.
there is this certain saturation in which i cannot explain.
one that makes me very critical of everything around me.
very
critical.
of everything.
every single thing.
pehaps this is the inner bad girl.
the form of me in the yesteryear.
the one i tried so very hard to curb for all the previous years.
realising that this has always been existing in me,
i tend to liberate myself from the onus i placed upon myself for the past seventeen years.
i tend to think that i am now eighteen, at the age where i cannot be like before, where i must mature.
the maturation of the mind.
perhaps i have been trying too hard.
perhaps i should come to terms with myself that the personality i had lived with since young shall be my permanent self.
perhaps i should understand that while the bad girl has always been a part of me,
good will always triumph evil.
perhaps i should stop being so mercenary.
so cold.
so ruthless.
so devoid of humanity.
sound melodramatic, huh?
maybe you're right after all!
you would have noticed the constant throwing of arguments back and forth -
another trait of me to be indecisive.
the inner turmoil as been constant.
sometimes, i dont even think i had a childhood.
i had been so shrewd right from the start, doing all the right things that will garner praises.
then, i started becoming the person that will be well-liked by most.
finally, i decided to have none of the above.
it's time for change.
now, this unfamiliar being stands in front of me,
staring sharply into my eye.
my body.
my mind.
ironically, this is yet another familiar stock-take of myself from a third person's point of view.
another take on "who am i?", i guess.
i hope this will soon fade away, and i will stop punishing myself.
but, you know what?
i think i know what i've been looking for.
yes, this is how i should put it.
the gap which cannot be filled with anything i try with, can only be satisfied by none other than Him.
wait, - i need to internalise that.
ah yes,
this year,
i will come home.
i will.
17.10.10
swiss is love
(: been back to swis in the past 4 days!
it was such a great experience, despite the occasional boredom and guilt that you get from being a volunteer in teaching dear juniors. haha.
it was especially awesome yesterday, cos i got to teach physics! haha, feel so accomplished! i rmb the stuff that mr lim taught k! and i even taught my juniors/peers based on the knowledge stuk in my head for the past year. haha. (although most of the teaching in the afternoon for waqiu was done by cf. heh.) hope i did help mr lim and fellow swissers out. (:
i knew a number of new juniors whom i've never seen before in my time as a swisser, and also reconnected with those that i alr know! (: so happy. haha. rahh, i dont think i can be a full-time teacher cos i think i'll feel so attached that i'll just get depression with the passage of students every year. just like mdm sophia. haha.
hope this swiss batch will do us proud by doing even better in the O levels! hwaiting! :D
went out with girlfriends huixin, pauline, florence, shimin to the mint toy museum today! :D haha, it was fun! (and we got half price off the ticket, cos we are students. haha, that made me wanna stay forever as a student. haha) it's been a long time since we've revisited our childhood eh? we even saw what fascinated previous generations of chidren too. haha. we got to expose ourselves to more stuff! haha, like we saw the evolution of toys, and it made me think about how much the expectations of toys has changed with the revolutionising of the human mind through time. haha, so much for comprehension passages eh? (:
the toys also reflected the human attitude. we witnessed the change in culture through toys; like the popularization of the erotic culture, sadistic mentality, and idolization fetish. it also mirrored the vogue of particular eras, for example, the industrialization and globalization period. we also got to see what people of different times and countries were thirsty for, be it the escapade from reality through having imaginary characters who are able to sole pertinent problems with special powers - something in which only fantasy can bring about- , or vision of the future through the models of robots that will fulfil the dreams of the "normal" human beings.
but in any case, it is evident that these toys are indeed influential, and are the objects of desire among many who wish to be in the vogue.
while resting on the $30 000 lounge couch, the girlfriends and i saw little children playing about in the museum. made us reflect upon the responsibilities of being a soon adult-to-be. standing at this point in the walk of life, it certainly is nice to take stock of what has happened, and ready ourselves for what is abou to come. what we're experienceing now is all for a purpose. everything has a lesson for us to take away, something for us to enrich our learning process for the comage of adulthood.
i realised that we shouldn't try to be someone we are not. having fantasized about being an assertive adult since young, i have neglected, or rather, have never realised the importance of being a teenager. now that i am about to turn into a young adult, i suddenly recongnized that i was pretty much a kid up till recently. haha, but it aint matter, since at least i recognized the problem now, when im still 16 - before my 17th birthday, at the very least. being thrust into a new environment, i have indeed matured, and have understood better what is expected of me.
but still, there is so much room for improvement! self-management is a pressing issue that i would like to address asap. prioritising my life is a new challenge for me. i have been an ardent fan of the rigid education system in singapore, and have always been an obedient little girl who never dares to think about things that are either unexplored by my family, or the rationale behind things. wrong things will remain as wrong, no qualms about that, simply because it is wrong. it's all a matter with what your beliefs are, right? haha, i think differently now, which might not necessarily be a good thing.
this brand new school of thought opened new doors for me. it made me ponder over new possibilities, and made me realise that the world is actually not what i had imagined it to be. it is much more three dimensional. much more complicated, i must say. the cause of the maturation of mind is none other than awareness of issues that didn't use to be in our scope of vision, isn't it? "out of sight, hence out of mind", people might say. i second that. the more you see, the more you think, the more you you will make wise decisions.
on the flip side, however, the exposure to different mentalities have caused my principles to waver. i have been cuttng corners on a much higher frequency than i have ever done before. i have also been acting like someone else!
but thank goodness, the friendships that i have forged with my awesome friends made me stay rooted. everyone has their strengths and flaws, and every clique and individual that i hang out with have boh attributes too. being clear of this makes me understand the complexity of human nature a little better, i guess? haha. i don't really either. but what i know, is that i can adopt the desirable traits and stay claer of what is not in order to better myself. (: haha, im pretty proud of myself for having a good family, who have taught me well. it makes growing up so much easier.
haha, but i know, we must be thankful to, and for the Lord, because it is by His grace that we can do anythong. (: even when all else fails, He'll be there to pick you up, and get you going. i really do hope that my faith will stay strong (even though i suppose i cant really use the word "stay") even during the toughest of trials. i pray that all troubles will be solved through entrusting everything into His hands. :D yay. haha.
im meeting more swiss ppl tmr! classmateys aye. (: swiss is loved!
swiss IS love!
it was such a great experience, despite the occasional boredom and guilt that you get from being a volunteer in teaching dear juniors. haha.
it was especially awesome yesterday, cos i got to teach physics! haha, feel so accomplished! i rmb the stuff that mr lim taught k! and i even taught my juniors/peers based on the knowledge stuk in my head for the past year. haha. (although most of the teaching in the afternoon for waqiu was done by cf. heh.) hope i did help mr lim and fellow swissers out. (:
i knew a number of new juniors whom i've never seen before in my time as a swisser, and also reconnected with those that i alr know! (: so happy. haha. rahh, i dont think i can be a full-time teacher cos i think i'll feel so attached that i'll just get depression with the passage of students every year. just like mdm sophia. haha.
hope this swiss batch will do us proud by doing even better in the O levels! hwaiting! :D
went out with girlfriends huixin, pauline, florence, shimin to the mint toy museum today! :D haha, it was fun! (and we got half price off the ticket, cos we are students. haha, that made me wanna stay forever as a student. haha) it's been a long time since we've revisited our childhood eh? we even saw what fascinated previous generations of chidren too. haha. we got to expose ourselves to more stuff! haha, like we saw the evolution of toys, and it made me think about how much the expectations of toys has changed with the revolutionising of the human mind through time. haha, so much for comprehension passages eh? (:
the toys also reflected the human attitude. we witnessed the change in culture through toys; like the popularization of the erotic culture, sadistic mentality, and idolization fetish. it also mirrored the vogue of particular eras, for example, the industrialization and globalization period. we also got to see what people of different times and countries were thirsty for, be it the escapade from reality through having imaginary characters who are able to sole pertinent problems with special powers - something in which only fantasy can bring about- , or vision of the future through the models of robots that will fulfil the dreams of the "normal" human beings.
but in any case, it is evident that these toys are indeed influential, and are the objects of desire among many who wish to be in the vogue.
while resting on the $30 000 lounge couch, the girlfriends and i saw little children playing about in the museum. made us reflect upon the responsibilities of being a soon adult-to-be. standing at this point in the walk of life, it certainly is nice to take stock of what has happened, and ready ourselves for what is abou to come. what we're experienceing now is all for a purpose. everything has a lesson for us to take away, something for us to enrich our learning process for the comage of adulthood.
i realised that we shouldn't try to be someone we are not. having fantasized about being an assertive adult since young, i have neglected, or rather, have never realised the importance of being a teenager. now that i am about to turn into a young adult, i suddenly recongnized that i was pretty much a kid up till recently. haha, but it aint matter, since at least i recognized the problem now, when im still 16 - before my 17th birthday, at the very least. being thrust into a new environment, i have indeed matured, and have understood better what is expected of me.
but still, there is so much room for improvement! self-management is a pressing issue that i would like to address asap. prioritising my life is a new challenge for me. i have been an ardent fan of the rigid education system in singapore, and have always been an obedient little girl who never dares to think about things that are either unexplored by my family, or the rationale behind things. wrong things will remain as wrong, no qualms about that, simply because it is wrong. it's all a matter with what your beliefs are, right? haha, i think differently now, which might not necessarily be a good thing.
this brand new school of thought opened new doors for me. it made me ponder over new possibilities, and made me realise that the world is actually not what i had imagined it to be. it is much more three dimensional. much more complicated, i must say. the cause of the maturation of mind is none other than awareness of issues that didn't use to be in our scope of vision, isn't it? "out of sight, hence out of mind", people might say. i second that. the more you see, the more you think, the more you you will make wise decisions.
on the flip side, however, the exposure to different mentalities have caused my principles to waver. i have been cuttng corners on a much higher frequency than i have ever done before. i have also been acting like someone else!
but thank goodness, the friendships that i have forged with my awesome friends made me stay rooted. everyone has their strengths and flaws, and every clique and individual that i hang out with have boh attributes too. being clear of this makes me understand the complexity of human nature a little better, i guess? haha. i don't really either. but what i know, is that i can adopt the desirable traits and stay claer of what is not in order to better myself. (: haha, im pretty proud of myself for having a good family, who have taught me well. it makes growing up so much easier.
haha, but i know, we must be thankful to, and for the Lord, because it is by His grace that we can do anythong. (: even when all else fails, He'll be there to pick you up, and get you going. i really do hope that my faith will stay strong (even though i suppose i cant really use the word "stay") even during the toughest of trials. i pray that all troubles will be solved through entrusting everything into His hands. :D yay. haha.
im meeting more swiss ppl tmr! classmateys aye. (: swiss is loved!
swiss IS love!
9.10.10
hello guys, it's been a long while, hasn't it?
it's not really a time of reflection now, since im trying to sort things out slowly at the moment.
i realised that ignorance is bliss sometimes.
i realised that things are but harsh realities.
haha, this is getting emo. nah, it's not as what you think. it's just that i dont really know how to express all that without an emo tone?
hmm, i should be studying. yea, it's after promos, but that not the point. the point is that i've not been putting in my best effort for the past year. at all. it should be a time of awakening now, especially after reading so many stories on great people and their tragic lives. then, i've read about driven individuals who are in the midst of working from zero to hero. (cliche, i know.) finally, about those who have things going for them, but choose not to make good use of it.
these stories have made me think about certain issues in life that i have ceased from thinking of since the passage of primary school - the time when things of the mature world was still a though to me. but it is from these reflections, have i prepared myself mentally for the future, which also determined my ways of thinking and hence the subsequent actions.
To have a mind of your own is something important. For not being able to formulate one will only result in finding yourself sweinging from one school of thought to the other. You will find solace in anything that you do. Trusting in God is all you need to do. Confide in Him, and all shall be well, right? (:
Well, being thrusted into a new trajectory of life is something worthy to be pondered over, especially after having experienced one year of adapting to a wholly new environment. an interception to the life that i had been used to at my alma mater. scandals have rocked the schooling scene for me. obviously i do not have the need of elaborating further. it made me muse over the boundaries that we have in life - somethig that i just read from "Lies That Young Women Believe". When does fun transcend into sheer craziness, a lost hold on yourself, a thrust into the unfamiliar realm altogether? This is particularly disturbing for me. i have known that ac is a place of fun and laughter. yet, i am still unaccustomed to the ways of certain people in school. perhaps it s due to the different lifestyles that we've led for the past 16 years. or maybe it is due to the different mindsets that we are encouraged -or rather, are free to - develop. I dont really know why i am a oeron who straddeles between two walks of life, i suppose. i like the feeling that i get when i get high and enjoy my time spent with those around me. yet, i also like the feeling that i get when i sit quietly, mulling over serious issue. somewhat like now. when i live within a certain boundary, i abide by the rules most of the time. so when i see others trespassing those coundaries, i tend to think of what these boundaries actually mean. is it for the good of oneself, the public, or the belief that something should turn out this way, simply because it should. being the timid chracter hasn't been encouraging in times when i feel that i shoud be more daring, and experience life the way i've never done before. boundaries? behaving in a way that would have been absoulutely intolerable in my younger days also tugs at my heart, as i constantly question myself if this is really the way i want to live my life. I don't know if my actions will have effects on my life in the future. A part of me begs for calmness and the clarit of thought, while the other part of me simple deprives me of the opportunity to do so, convincing myself that a moment lost is an opportunity forgone. So what ARE my boundaries, exactly?
After struggling with my inner self for quite some time, i realised that i shouldnt be acting someone else. i've been surveying people around me for a while now, and i think i am still in the muky waters of defining myself. ah yes, the age-old question of "who am i?". a personal identity is very important to me, i guess.
then what about the media? akin to bering trapped in quicksand? i know i should not be doing this, but if i don't, i feel weird. if i go back to studying, the darker half of me will accuse me of being a nerd, closet mugger, missing out on life's good things. the celebrations of life is still a strange and unexplored area.
looking back at the relationships i've had make me ponder even more about life's offerings. i smile at the memories that i treasure, smile at the newfound friendships. yet, im confused at the complexities of humans."what you see is not what it may seem". I don't know whether to agree by that. i have built up my personal fortress before entering ac.as these barriers slowly break down, i begin to realise the simplicities of people around me. "I think im too paranoid", i tell myself. but look at what my other friends are experiencing! betrayals, rejections... all leaving them cold at heart. while i have seemed to find a warm environment now, i am not trusting of it. perhaps it's just me to want to simplfy matters, and classify things under "good" and "bad" tabs. it makes it so much easier to take stock of what we are going through right now, and it makes it so much less taxing to know what you're up against. to further enforce on my point, the newspapers have been reporting all about it. being in a Christian school, is it really good? I like the fact that im in a Christian school now, really. cos everywhere you turn, people believe in the same religion as you, and they are not afraid of expressing their love for it. something which i have been thinking twice about since young. things in school are based on teachings in the Bible and stuff like that. i really do like this heartwarming feeling. esp with teachers who do things that touched us based on Christian values too. But, there is also a flip side to it. is it because of such an environment, that evil things manifest themselves? good things turned bad. like homos in schools. like using teachings to whiewash, to justify their selfish doings? i dunno who to trust. i only want to trust in God.
as i breathe out a light sih, i look back at all these things. have i been doing my best? have i been doing what would have been approved by myself when i was much younger? as i grow up, the reigns on me are loosened. achieving excellence is important right? doing what is right is important right? i am afraid when i say and do things which take on a stand that i've never condoned before. i am scared when i change my perception towards certain things in life. i know that some are for better, and some for worse. but doesn't it all lead me back to my pevious point? i like to keep things simple. good or bad. even if there were in-betweens, we can still separate the beneficial and disadvantageous, and use them differently in disjointed circumstances. haha, that's what i think.
i shrug. haha, it's just a time to think right?
it's not really a time of reflection now, since im trying to sort things out slowly at the moment.
i realised that ignorance is bliss sometimes.
i realised that things are but harsh realities.
haha, this is getting emo. nah, it's not as what you think. it's just that i dont really know how to express all that without an emo tone?
hmm, i should be studying. yea, it's after promos, but that not the point. the point is that i've not been putting in my best effort for the past year. at all. it should be a time of awakening now, especially after reading so many stories on great people and their tragic lives. then, i've read about driven individuals who are in the midst of working from zero to hero. (cliche, i know.) finally, about those who have things going for them, but choose not to make good use of it.
these stories have made me think about certain issues in life that i have ceased from thinking of since the passage of primary school - the time when things of the mature world was still a though to me. but it is from these reflections, have i prepared myself mentally for the future, which also determined my ways of thinking and hence the subsequent actions.
To have a mind of your own is something important. For not being able to formulate one will only result in finding yourself sweinging from one school of thought to the other. You will find solace in anything that you do. Trusting in God is all you need to do. Confide in Him, and all shall be well, right? (:
Well, being thrusted into a new trajectory of life is something worthy to be pondered over, especially after having experienced one year of adapting to a wholly new environment. an interception to the life that i had been used to at my alma mater. scandals have rocked the schooling scene for me. obviously i do not have the need of elaborating further. it made me muse over the boundaries that we have in life - somethig that i just read from "Lies That Young Women Believe". When does fun transcend into sheer craziness, a lost hold on yourself, a thrust into the unfamiliar realm altogether? This is particularly disturbing for me. i have known that ac is a place of fun and laughter. yet, i am still unaccustomed to the ways of certain people in school. perhaps it s due to the different lifestyles that we've led for the past 16 years. or maybe it is due to the different mindsets that we are encouraged -or rather, are free to - develop. I dont really know why i am a oeron who straddeles between two walks of life, i suppose. i like the feeling that i get when i get high and enjoy my time spent with those around me. yet, i also like the feeling that i get when i sit quietly, mulling over serious issue. somewhat like now. when i live within a certain boundary, i abide by the rules most of the time. so when i see others trespassing those coundaries, i tend to think of what these boundaries actually mean. is it for the good of oneself, the public, or the belief that something should turn out this way, simply because it should. being the timid chracter hasn't been encouraging in times when i feel that i shoud be more daring, and experience life the way i've never done before. boundaries? behaving in a way that would have been absoulutely intolerable in my younger days also tugs at my heart, as i constantly question myself if this is really the way i want to live my life. I don't know if my actions will have effects on my life in the future. A part of me begs for calmness and the clarit of thought, while the other part of me simple deprives me of the opportunity to do so, convincing myself that a moment lost is an opportunity forgone. So what ARE my boundaries, exactly?
After struggling with my inner self for quite some time, i realised that i shouldnt be acting someone else. i've been surveying people around me for a while now, and i think i am still in the muky waters of defining myself. ah yes, the age-old question of "who am i?". a personal identity is very important to me, i guess.
then what about the media? akin to bering trapped in quicksand? i know i should not be doing this, but if i don't, i feel weird. if i go back to studying, the darker half of me will accuse me of being a nerd, closet mugger, missing out on life's good things. the celebrations of life is still a strange and unexplored area.
looking back at the relationships i've had make me ponder even more about life's offerings. i smile at the memories that i treasure, smile at the newfound friendships. yet, im confused at the complexities of humans."what you see is not what it may seem". I don't know whether to agree by that. i have built up my personal fortress before entering ac.as these barriers slowly break down, i begin to realise the simplicities of people around me. "I think im too paranoid", i tell myself. but look at what my other friends are experiencing! betrayals, rejections... all leaving them cold at heart. while i have seemed to find a warm environment now, i am not trusting of it. perhaps it's just me to want to simplfy matters, and classify things under "good" and "bad" tabs. it makes it so much easier to take stock of what we are going through right now, and it makes it so much less taxing to know what you're up against. to further enforce on my point, the newspapers have been reporting all about it. being in a Christian school, is it really good? I like the fact that im in a Christian school now, really. cos everywhere you turn, people believe in the same religion as you, and they are not afraid of expressing their love for it. something which i have been thinking twice about since young. things in school are based on teachings in the Bible and stuff like that. i really do like this heartwarming feeling. esp with teachers who do things that touched us based on Christian values too. But, there is also a flip side to it. is it because of such an environment, that evil things manifest themselves? good things turned bad. like homos in schools. like using teachings to whiewash, to justify their selfish doings? i dunno who to trust. i only want to trust in God.
as i breathe out a light sih, i look back at all these things. have i been doing my best? have i been doing what would have been approved by myself when i was much younger? as i grow up, the reigns on me are loosened. achieving excellence is important right? doing what is right is important right? i am afraid when i say and do things which take on a stand that i've never condoned before. i am scared when i change my perception towards certain things in life. i know that some are for better, and some for worse. but doesn't it all lead me back to my pevious point? i like to keep things simple. good or bad. even if there were in-betweens, we can still separate the beneficial and disadvantageous, and use them differently in disjointed circumstances. haha, that's what i think.
i shrug. haha, it's just a time to think right?
3.6.10
6.5.10
ohhhhh. ohhh my shit
oh my shit
oh my shit
OH MY SHIT
OH MY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT THE ____ HAPPENED MAN?! WHAT THE ____?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
tell me it's not true man. tell us it's not true.
why are we CHANGING EVERYBODY?!?!?!
WHAT THE HELLLLL?!?!?!
____ LEH!
MR LEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!! MR POH, MR YEO, MR CHENG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY?!?!?!?!!?!!?!
oh my shit
oh my shit
OH MY SHIT
OH MY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT THE ____ HAPPENED MAN?! WHAT THE ____?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
tell me it's not true man. tell us it's not true.
why are we CHANGING EVERYBODY?!?!?!
WHAT THE HELLLLL?!?!?!
____ LEH!
MR LEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!! MR POH, MR YEO, MR CHENG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY?!?!?!?!!?!!?!
21.4.10
MY PHONE FREAKIN CRACKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT THE FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHH!
HW GREAT MAN. JUST HOW WONDERFUL CAN THIS GET.
AND MY SLIDE'S NOT SMOOTH TOO. WTH!!
WTH LA!!!!!
AND I DIDNT EVEN DROP IT!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
WTH WTH WT H WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH!!!
NOW MY SCREEN HAS A NICE, ARTISTIC CRACK ACROSS IT.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
trying VERY hard to get this off my chest.
but it still cannot get over the fact that i've dropped my phone less than 3 times ok!!!!!!!
and now it has a ghastly appalling wound.
WALAO EH!
THINK FUNNY IS IT?
go die la.
WHAT THE FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHH!
HW GREAT MAN. JUST HOW WONDERFUL CAN THIS GET.
AND MY SLIDE'S NOT SMOOTH TOO. WTH!!
WTH LA!!!!!
AND I DIDNT EVEN DROP IT!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
WTH WTH WT H WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH WTH!!!
NOW MY SCREEN HAS A NICE, ARTISTIC CRACK ACROSS IT.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
trying VERY hard to get this off my chest.
but it still cannot get over the fact that i've dropped my phone less than 3 times ok!!!!!!!
and now it has a ghastly appalling wound.
WALAO EH!
THINK FUNNY IS IT?
go die la.
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