hello guys, it's been a long while, hasn't it?
it's not really a time of reflection now, since im trying to sort things out slowly at the moment.
i realised that ignorance is bliss sometimes.
i realised that things are but harsh realities.
haha, this is getting emo. nah, it's not as what you think. it's just that i dont really know how to express all that without an emo tone?
hmm, i should be studying. yea, it's after promos, but that not the point. the point is that i've not been putting in my best effort for the past year. at all. it should be a time of awakening now, especially after reading so many stories on great people and their tragic lives. then, i've read about driven individuals who are in the midst of working from zero to hero. (cliche, i know.) finally, about those who have things going for them, but choose not to make good use of it.
these stories have made me think about certain issues in life that i have ceased from thinking of since the passage of primary school - the time when things of the mature world was still a though to me. but it is from these reflections, have i prepared myself mentally for the future, which also determined my ways of thinking and hence the subsequent actions.
To have a mind of your own is something important. For not being able to formulate one will only result in finding yourself sweinging from one school of thought to the other. You will find solace in anything that you do. Trusting in God is all you need to do. Confide in Him, and all shall be well, right? (:
Well, being thrusted into a new trajectory of life is something worthy to be pondered over, especially after having experienced one year of adapting to a wholly new environment. an interception to the life that i had been used to at my alma mater. scandals have rocked the schooling scene for me. obviously i do not have the need of elaborating further. it made me muse over the boundaries that we have in life - somethig that i just read from "Lies That Young Women Believe". When does fun transcend into sheer craziness, a lost hold on yourself, a thrust into the unfamiliar realm altogether? This is particularly disturbing for me. i have known that ac is a place of fun and laughter. yet, i am still unaccustomed to the ways of certain people in school. perhaps it s due to the different lifestyles that we've led for the past 16 years. or maybe it is due to the different mindsets that we are encouraged -or rather, are free to - develop. I dont really know why i am a oeron who straddeles between two walks of life, i suppose. i like the feeling that i get when i get high and enjoy my time spent with those around me. yet, i also like the feeling that i get when i sit quietly, mulling over serious issue. somewhat like now. when i live within a certain boundary, i abide by the rules most of the time. so when i see others trespassing those coundaries, i tend to think of what these boundaries actually mean. is it for the good of oneself, the public, or the belief that something should turn out this way, simply because it should. being the timid chracter hasn't been encouraging in times when i feel that i shoud be more daring, and experience life the way i've never done before. boundaries? behaving in a way that would have been absoulutely intolerable in my younger days also tugs at my heart, as i constantly question myself if this is really the way i want to live my life. I don't know if my actions will have effects on my life in the future. A part of me begs for calmness and the clarit of thought, while the other part of me simple deprives me of the opportunity to do so, convincing myself that a moment lost is an opportunity forgone. So what ARE my boundaries, exactly?
After struggling with my inner self for quite some time, i realised that i shouldnt be acting someone else. i've been surveying people around me for a while now, and i think i am still in the muky waters of defining myself. ah yes, the age-old question of "who am i?". a personal identity is very important to me, i guess.
then what about the media? akin to bering trapped in quicksand? i know i should not be doing this, but if i don't, i feel weird. if i go back to studying, the darker half of me will accuse me of being a nerd, closet mugger, missing out on life's good things. the celebrations of life is still a strange and unexplored area.
looking back at the relationships i've had make me ponder even more about life's offerings. i smile at the memories that i treasure, smile at the newfound friendships. yet, im confused at the complexities of humans."what you see is not what it may seem". I don't know whether to agree by that. i have built up my personal fortress before entering ac.as these barriers slowly break down, i begin to realise the simplicities of people around me. "I think im too paranoid", i tell myself. but look at what my other friends are experiencing! betrayals, rejections... all leaving them cold at heart. while i have seemed to find a warm environment now, i am not trusting of it. perhaps it's just me to want to simplfy matters, and classify things under "good" and "bad" tabs. it makes it so much easier to take stock of what we are going through right now, and it makes it so much less taxing to know what you're up against. to further enforce on my point, the newspapers have been reporting all about it. being in a Christian school, is it really good? I like the fact that im in a Christian school now, really. cos everywhere you turn, people believe in the same religion as you, and they are not afraid of expressing their love for it. something which i have been thinking twice about since young. things in school are based on teachings in the Bible and stuff like that. i really do like this heartwarming feeling. esp with teachers who do things that touched us based on Christian values too. But, there is also a flip side to it. is it because of such an environment, that evil things manifest themselves? good things turned bad. like homos in schools. like using teachings to whiewash, to justify their selfish doings? i dunno who to trust. i only want to trust in God.
as i breathe out a light sih, i look back at all these things. have i been doing my best? have i been doing what would have been approved by myself when i was much younger? as i grow up, the reigns on me are loosened. achieving excellence is important right? doing what is right is important right? i am afraid when i say and do things which take on a stand that i've never condoned before. i am scared when i change my perception towards certain things in life. i know that some are for better, and some for worse. but doesn't it all lead me back to my pevious point? i like to keep things simple. good or bad. even if there were in-betweens, we can still separate the beneficial and disadvantageous, and use them differently in disjointed circumstances. haha, that's what i think.
i shrug. haha, it's just a time to think right?