homecoming - the eighteenth year.

hmm.. how should i put it.

i think i am slowly coming to terms with myself - the darker, inner side of me.
perhaps i have been trying too hard to surpress it for the past few years.
that's why i feel more in control of my life now.
or perhaps it's due to the coming of age,
where the coming of mind lags behind.
maybe it's because i can justify my actions and thoughts along a logical flowchart,
i think something good is happening to me.

this has been in me for very long.
i know it.
it existed from the time when i dont know why i'm the only one acting this way, while the others do so differently.
being a total conformist, parental upbringing caused me to believe in everything they say.
i started to think that my way of thinking is bad, and i should reform my brain to be intune with that of those around me.
it led me to believe that i am incapable of thinking the "right" way, because i was corrected time and again by others.
truth to be told, the character in me at that time certainly needs to be corrected.
yet, i just took in what others said, wholesale.
without analysing my own problem, i guess this made me extremely naive to the world.

admittedly, i carved this image out myself.
having an identity crisis since young, i used to question:
"who am i?"
i started to look for answers amongst the people that i encounter.
bit by bit, i analyse what the most widely accepted characteristics are, and emulate them.
this happened during my formative years.
gradually, i became those people - a collection of different people;
never truly being myself.

if you had noticed that i am dumbfounded at certain social situations that are normal to others,
and you wonder if i have not socialised before,
you might be right.
if nobody taught me to react in a certain way, i wont know how to react.
up till today, i rehearse such situations in my head, perfecting my reactions
in accordance to what is most socially acceptable.
never portraying how i really want to react.

that's because i dont know how i should be reacting.
i dont know what emotions i should be feeling.
inside, it's blank.

the reason why i am perceived as extroverted among those that i am closer to,
and introverted among those that i barely know,
is this:
i am accustomed to the way this certain group of people react for years.
what i do is a reflection of the social behaviour in that clique.
when the environment around me changes, i am unfamiliar with how everyone in that new place behaves.
i am shellshocked at the difference in culture.
culture shock?
nah, culture electric shock.

and so, i feel extremely uncomfortable because i behave differently.
feel out of place.
feel lonely.
feel scared.

that, is until i overcome the transition time period, where i start observing and imitating how this new group of people react.
it ranges from language used, the broadness of mind, the way of dressing, or, the way i present myself, to the way i look at and treat myself.
if people around me are uncouth and lazy, i follow suit.
if they are refined and driven, i follow suit too.

the problem is, with the coming of age,
i begin to realise this inherent problem with myself.
bipolar syndrome?
multiple personality disorder?
im not too sure either.
as i expose myself to more things related to psychology, the more things relate to me,
the more i think i understand about myself.

that's where the action starts.
the fact that i have been living in this ultra-conformist self for the past 17 years,
i am totally accustomed to this way of life.
the way of life being the good girl, striving to make friends and succeed in her endeavours.
now that i am more aware of my situation,
i try to make my own decisions.
of course, these are personality crossroads, not practical crossroads like making the decision of which school to go to, or what to eat from the menu.

there is this certain saturation in which i cannot explain.
one that makes me very critical of everything around me.
very
critical.
of everything.
every single thing.

pehaps this is the inner bad girl.
the form of me in the yesteryear.
the one i tried so very hard to curb for all the previous years.
realising that this has always been existing in me,
i tend to liberate myself from the onus i placed upon myself for the past seventeen years.
i tend to think that i am now eighteen, at the age where i cannot be like before, where i must mature.
the maturation of the mind.
perhaps i have been trying too hard.
perhaps i should come to terms with myself that the personality i had lived with since young shall be my permanent self.
perhaps i should understand that while the bad girl has always been a part of me,
good will always triumph evil.
perhaps i should stop being so mercenary.
so cold.
so ruthless.
so devoid of humanity.
sound melodramatic, huh?
maybe you're right after all!

you would have noticed the constant throwing of arguments back and forth -
another trait of me to be indecisive.
the inner turmoil as been constant.
sometimes, i dont even think i had a childhood.
i had been so shrewd right from the start, doing all the right things that will garner praises.
then, i started becoming the person that will be well-liked by most.
finally, i decided to have none of the above.
it's time for change.

now, this unfamiliar being stands in front of me,
staring sharply into my eye.
my body.
my mind.

ironically, this is yet another familiar stock-take of myself from a third person's point of view.
another take on "who am i?", i guess.
i hope this will soon fade away, and i will stop punishing myself.
but, you know what?

i think i know what i've been looking for.
yes, this is how i should put it.
the gap which cannot be filled with anything i try with, can only be satisfied by none other than Him.

wait, - i need to internalise that.
ah yes,
this year,
i will come home.
i will.